It’s all very well having an understanding nature, but what if your caring, sharing ways are holding you back at work? You have an important meeting at work, and you’re set to impress with a great idea you know your boss will love. You have everyone’s attention – but just as you’re about to start, a solleague interrupts and scts as if it was her idea all along. You’re fuming, but you don’t want to appear rude or petty by butting in. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. The majority of women in middle-management think the best way to climb the career ladder is by being polite, sociable and considerate. Questioned women hold very different views about success; factors such as how attractive they are, their popularity and their likeability are known as very important to the senior managers. But really what is counting with the boss are factors such as qualifications, experience and attitude. Being too nice at work is a common female problem – in childhood, most of the women learn to value relationships over winning. This means, in the workplace, women can be hampered by trying to keep everyone happy. Consequently, a woman might not fully claim the credit for her accomplishment. We shouldn’t feel the way to succeed by sacrificing our pleasing personality. There is a difference between niceness and lack of assertiveness – you don’t need to be pushy, lond or aggressive to climb the career ladder and it is wrong to assume the only one who go far in the workplace is the one who act like some more aggressive men. So how do you achieve the fine balance being nice to your colleagues and commanding respect and exuding authority at work? You don’t have to undergo a personality transplant on the way.
...1st problem: The idea snatcher – Your colleagues who are louder, pushier or slightly more senior than you continually pinch the ideas you’ve spent hours working on. Every time you have a bright suggestion at a meeting, they talk over you until everyone believes they were who came up with it. When you have a successful idea while working as a team, another member of the group always manages to take credit for it.
...the solution: Learn to be the queen of cool – don’t be intimidated. Acknowledge the part you’ve played in previous successes, even if no one else does. If it helps, make a note of these and keep them to hand – perhaps reading the list before you go into your next meeting. This will boost your confidence so you approach the situation differently and make it harder for others to talk you down. The layout of conference rooms often sets women at an immediate disadvantage, with oversized chairs making them look small and less important. Instead, sit on the edge of your chair, leaning into the table while making eye contact with whoever is speaking. If someone still attempts to butt in, got to look at the speaker who is interrupting and with firm but kind voice just say: “I know you were eager to talk, but I haven’t finished. Here’s what I didn’t get to say…” This way you can draw people’s attention to the initial interruption rather than the one you are forced to make. Another trick is to keep your boss constantly up to date with your progress. If you keep him informed about your accomplishments by email or through memos, then you make it difficult for colleagues to steal your ideas.
...2nd problem: Tantrum control – You’re in charge of a team of colleagues at work, but you’re too easy-going and a junior employee is taking advantage of your soft nature. You have to get them to work efficiently, yet you want to make sure you don’t lose your temper.
...the solution: Punish the problem, not the person – Show everyone you mean business by focusing on the problem at hand; keep everything concentrated on the missed deadline or the upset client and how to resolve that issue, rather than the performance of the member of staff involved. You will see better results and get the matter resolved much more quickly. Set a team goal, then suggest that the best way of meeting it is if you each put the same amount of effort in. This will make you seem more efficient and focused, and prove – without you having to resort to nastiness – that friendships need not interfere with work. It will also ensure your team feels confident and any criticism is not directed at them personally, thus keeping morale high. But what if a staff member is being really unreasonable? When you’re tempted to lose your temper, try not to. It’s better to live to fight again than to score points and blow your top completely. Play to win in the long term. Even if you’re trembling inside when you’re forced to excert authority, it’s important to appear in control. How you say something can be just as important as what you say. Be aware of the non-verbal messages sent to junior employees. When talking, maintain firm eye contact. If you feel uncertain, then remain standing while talking to the senior employee, rather than sitting down – this claims some power. Use a firm tone of voice, too. Many women lose power by letting words rise at the end of a sentence. It turns a statement into a question and makes you seem less confident. Sound as if you mean it and the job gets done, the boss sees you in control and you avoid confrontations.
...3rd problem: You’re a “yes” woman – Your boss doesn’t like to be contradicted, so it’s easier to just agree with him/her, even though you know he/she is wrong or that him/her idea won’t work. You may hate for doing it, but you don’t want to upset him/her. After all, he/she is the boss and what he/she says goes.
...the solution: Widen the realms of possibility – Remamber, to disagree is to offer a different way of doing things. You’re not saying that your boss’ way will never work. It may help to prepare him/her for your counter agreement gently, by putting some time between his/her proposal andyour reaction to it. You’re doing a disservice to yourself and your boss, if you feel compelled to agree with him/her at all costs. First, you have to work on stopping those agreeable words from coming out too quickly. When he/she presents an idea with which you disagree, buy some thinking time by saying: “I understand what your idea is. I’d like to think about it a little while. I’m not sure I agree with all of it.” Then, after a break, you’ll be prepared for a more appropriate response. Acknowledge him/her enthusiasm for his/her plan and offer suggestions to improve it, rather than attacking the idea on it’s own terms. Even if he/she doesn’t take your oppinion on board, you’ll feel much better for voicing your misgivings. If his/her idea proves to be a failure after all that, he/she may realise it’s worth listening more carefully to you next time around – and you’ll have made your point, without anyone thinking less of you. Mission accomplished.
...4th problem: You’re your worst enemy – You desperately want to take the reins at work, but everyone around you is beginning to appear much more capable, more confident and more qualified. You’re beginning to consider if you’re good enough for the job.
...the solution: Don’t be so hard on yourself – Remember, you got where you are now because the powers that be believed you were the right woman for the job. If it helps, re-read your CV to remember why you applied for the job in the first place. It’s a common problem that women make life difficult for themselves by refusing to recognise their importance in te workplace. If something;s going wrong, don’t assume it’s your fault. Look at the people around you, the system you’re working in and the management structure around you. You’re probably just suffering a temporary blip in confidence. To combat it, make a note of the role you’ve played in previous successes at work and read it whenever you’re tempted to take the blame. Finally, think twice before putting yourself down and remember – if you don’t believe you deserve to be treated with respect, you probably won’t be.
...5th problem: You can’t say No – You came in early because your in-tray’s already weighed down with work and you’ve cancelled your night out to catch up. Yet you’ve just accepted another major task that needs finishing for tomorrow and promised a colleague to take on a job she doesn’t fancy doing to help her out. The word “no” just doesn’t seem to be in your vocabulary.
...the solution: Be a giver not a taker – First, break the cycle of acceptance you’ve fallen into. Don’t be afraid to take regular holidays to prevent burnout. And don’t let anyone stress you out while you are away. On your return, start afresh. We often believe saying “no” means people will think less of us and believe we’re not capable of what the job requires. This isn’t the case. Bosses don’t remember acts of kindness at promotion time. They remember who gets the job done. So, ifyou’re helping everyone else out, taking on more work than it’s possible to complete, it won’t be you. You have to learn to resist the “British” disease of saying “yes” to everything. It’s the worst trap you can fall into. Even if you begin by saying “no” to one project a week, you’ll be amazed at the difference it makes. No one can expect you to do everything, so don’t feel you’re letting people down. Instead say: “I’d like to help, but unfortunately I wouldn’t be able to give the appropriate time and attention to the job.” Then get to work on clearing your own in-tray.
Management Today magazine shows in a research that women managers are more truthful, considerate and appreciative than their male counterparts. They boost morale and productivity by praising workers and promoting teamwork, and they are better at customer relations. That’s how you can cash in on your gender:
- Keep morale high: good managers keep everyone feeling good about what each person’s doing.
- Be understanding: use emphatic assertion to put yourself in the other person’s shoes before making any statements.
- Be reasonable: don’t let yourself be seen as everyone’s mother. Set limits on how available you are to everyone to take care of their problems.
- Give positive feedback: this includes pointing out colleadues’ strengths as well as areas for growth.
- Be ready to listen: be open to hearing the opinion of everyone, rather than taking a dictatorial approach.
...1st problem: The idea snatcher – Your colleagues who are louder, pushier or slightly more senior than you continually pinch the ideas you’ve spent hours working on. Every time you have a bright suggestion at a meeting, they talk over you until everyone believes they were who came up with it. When you have a successful idea while working as a team, another member of the group always manages to take credit for it.
...the solution: Learn to be the queen of cool – don’t be intimidated. Acknowledge the part you’ve played in previous successes, even if no one else does. If it helps, make a note of these and keep them to hand – perhaps reading the list before you go into your next meeting. This will boost your confidence so you approach the situation differently and make it harder for others to talk you down. The layout of conference rooms often sets women at an immediate disadvantage, with oversized chairs making them look small and less important. Instead, sit on the edge of your chair, leaning into the table while making eye contact with whoever is speaking. If someone still attempts to butt in, got to look at the speaker who is interrupting and with firm but kind voice just say: “I know you were eager to talk, but I haven’t finished. Here’s what I didn’t get to say…” This way you can draw people’s attention to the initial interruption rather than the one you are forced to make. Another trick is to keep your boss constantly up to date with your progress. If you keep him informed about your accomplishments by email or through memos, then you make it difficult for colleagues to steal your ideas.
...2nd problem: Tantrum control – You’re in charge of a team of colleagues at work, but you’re too easy-going and a junior employee is taking advantage of your soft nature. You have to get them to work efficiently, yet you want to make sure you don’t lose your temper.
...the solution: Punish the problem, not the person – Show everyone you mean business by focusing on the problem at hand; keep everything concentrated on the missed deadline or the upset client and how to resolve that issue, rather than the performance of the member of staff involved. You will see better results and get the matter resolved much more quickly. Set a team goal, then suggest that the best way of meeting it is if you each put the same amount of effort in. This will make you seem more efficient and focused, and prove – without you having to resort to nastiness – that friendships need not interfere with work. It will also ensure your team feels confident and any criticism is not directed at them personally, thus keeping morale high. But what if a staff member is being really unreasonable? When you’re tempted to lose your temper, try not to. It’s better to live to fight again than to score points and blow your top completely. Play to win in the long term. Even if you’re trembling inside when you’re forced to excert authority, it’s important to appear in control. How you say something can be just as important as what you say. Be aware of the non-verbal messages sent to junior employees. When talking, maintain firm eye contact. If you feel uncertain, then remain standing while talking to the senior employee, rather than sitting down – this claims some power. Use a firm tone of voice, too. Many women lose power by letting words rise at the end of a sentence. It turns a statement into a question and makes you seem less confident. Sound as if you mean it and the job gets done, the boss sees you in control and you avoid confrontations.
...3rd problem: You’re a “yes” woman – Your boss doesn’t like to be contradicted, so it’s easier to just agree with him/her, even though you know he/she is wrong or that him/her idea won’t work. You may hate for doing it, but you don’t want to upset him/her. After all, he/she is the boss and what he/she says goes.
...the solution: Widen the realms of possibility – Remamber, to disagree is to offer a different way of doing things. You’re not saying that your boss’ way will never work. It may help to prepare him/her for your counter agreement gently, by putting some time between his/her proposal andyour reaction to it. You’re doing a disservice to yourself and your boss, if you feel compelled to agree with him/her at all costs. First, you have to work on stopping those agreeable words from coming out too quickly. When he/she presents an idea with which you disagree, buy some thinking time by saying: “I understand what your idea is. I’d like to think about it a little while. I’m not sure I agree with all of it.” Then, after a break, you’ll be prepared for a more appropriate response. Acknowledge him/her enthusiasm for his/her plan and offer suggestions to improve it, rather than attacking the idea on it’s own terms. Even if he/she doesn’t take your oppinion on board, you’ll feel much better for voicing your misgivings. If his/her idea proves to be a failure after all that, he/she may realise it’s worth listening more carefully to you next time around – and you’ll have made your point, without anyone thinking less of you. Mission accomplished.
...4th problem: You’re your worst enemy – You desperately want to take the reins at work, but everyone around you is beginning to appear much more capable, more confident and more qualified. You’re beginning to consider if you’re good enough for the job.
...the solution: Don’t be so hard on yourself – Remember, you got where you are now because the powers that be believed you were the right woman for the job. If it helps, re-read your CV to remember why you applied for the job in the first place. It’s a common problem that women make life difficult for themselves by refusing to recognise their importance in te workplace. If something;s going wrong, don’t assume it’s your fault. Look at the people around you, the system you’re working in and the management structure around you. You’re probably just suffering a temporary blip in confidence. To combat it, make a note of the role you’ve played in previous successes at work and read it whenever you’re tempted to take the blame. Finally, think twice before putting yourself down and remember – if you don’t believe you deserve to be treated with respect, you probably won’t be.
...5th problem: You can’t say No – You came in early because your in-tray’s already weighed down with work and you’ve cancelled your night out to catch up. Yet you’ve just accepted another major task that needs finishing for tomorrow and promised a colleague to take on a job she doesn’t fancy doing to help her out. The word “no” just doesn’t seem to be in your vocabulary.
...the solution: Be a giver not a taker – First, break the cycle of acceptance you’ve fallen into. Don’t be afraid to take regular holidays to prevent burnout. And don’t let anyone stress you out while you are away. On your return, start afresh. We often believe saying “no” means people will think less of us and believe we’re not capable of what the job requires. This isn’t the case. Bosses don’t remember acts of kindness at promotion time. They remember who gets the job done. So, ifyou’re helping everyone else out, taking on more work than it’s possible to complete, it won’t be you. You have to learn to resist the “British” disease of saying “yes” to everything. It’s the worst trap you can fall into. Even if you begin by saying “no” to one project a week, you’ll be amazed at the difference it makes. No one can expect you to do everything, so don’t feel you’re letting people down. Instead say: “I’d like to help, but unfortunately I wouldn’t be able to give the appropriate time and attention to the job.” Then get to work on clearing your own in-tray.
Management Today magazine shows in a research that women managers are more truthful, considerate and appreciative than their male counterparts. They boost morale and productivity by praising workers and promoting teamwork, and they are better at customer relations. That’s how you can cash in on your gender:
- Keep morale high: good managers keep everyone feeling good about what each person’s doing.
- Be understanding: use emphatic assertion to put yourself in the other person’s shoes before making any statements.
- Be reasonable: don’t let yourself be seen as everyone’s mother. Set limits on how available you are to everyone to take care of their problems.
- Give positive feedback: this includes pointing out colleadues’ strengths as well as areas for growth.
- Be ready to listen: be open to hearing the opinion of everyone, rather than taking a dictatorial approach.
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